Celebrating your child

Its not that I have felt discouraged or anything. But sometimes, a woman just needs a bit of a pick-me-up to make herself feel better. Lately, I have found a lot of encouragement in some of the blogs I read on a daily basis. There has been a series on parenting children with special needs. Now, I know that I do not parent a child with special needs...but I find that the messages in their blogs have transformed my thinking and feelings. Two in particular have spoken about parenting a "high-needs" baby and raising "spirited children." Its not that Joel was a particularly high needs baby or that he is even a spirited child. Its just that I have found a lot of relief from hearing other parents struggle with some of the same things I struggle with daily. Let me share some excerpts:

 "I had just been with several friends that had babies around the same age. Their babies sat still and contented in car seats or their mothers' arms and then quietly drifted off to sleep. The moms spoke of babies sleeping five, six, even eight hours at a time at night. All the while my Baby was squealing, standing, bouncing, looking all around, arching, nearly doing flips off my lap and definitely NOT sleeping. Keeping him fuss-free for the hour and a half felt like a physical and emotional wrestling match."

How many times did I feel like that? Joel has always been a mover and a shaker. Sitting still is an anomaly.  Yes, he does/did eventually snuggle and fall asleep in my arms. But I often feel as though my child is the only one in the room bouncing off the walls and terrorizing the place. Often as a baby, he refused to be put down. Sitting in a bouncy seat for more than 2 minutes? You've gotta be crazy! He just wanted to be held all the time.

"The 12 features of a High Needs Baby are intense, hyperactive, draining, feeds frequently, demanding, awakens frequently, unpredictable, super-sensitive, can't put baby down, not a self soother, and separation sensitive."

Can you say Joel?! Some of these have lessened in their intensity, like the frequent feedings.  But I still feel as though he is demanding, doesn't want to be put down (that is changing, thankfully), hyperactive and not a self-soother.

"He is our first baby, so it was easy to assume that he is what all babies are like. We didn't know anything different. For the longest time, when people would ask if he was sleeping through the night, we would look at them like they were insane. Babies don't do that! Do they? We now know that some do, but ours doesn't."

Amen! We really didn't know that any baby was that different. But now I do. And you know what? That's okay. We love Joel. He is such a joy and a blessing. Although, we still do wish for a few more nights of uninterrupted sleep.

"I always thought the concept of kick counts was just one of those crazy paranoid things 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' told you to do. Ten kicks in two hours seemed like a joke while I was experiencing twenty times that many around the clock. After he was born, I saw the source of all the punches to the inside of my pelvis during pregnancy. Whenever awake, Baby was very active doing what we call flappy jacks, flailing arms and legs constantly." 

Don't I know that concept. Kick counts? The opposite was more useful to me. Wow! A whole 3 minutes without being beaten alive. He must be sleeping!

"The day I discovered the term ‘spirited child’ was a day of great relief for me as a mother. It was the day I found peace with my first born son’s uniqueness.
As a toddler, my son seemed ‘more’ than other kids. He was louder, more energetic and active, asked more questions, seemed more sensitive emotionally and his behavior was infinitely difficult to manage. He was always the kid at mother’s group discovered rummaging through the forbidden cupboard, pushing another child over or throwing sand in someone’s face. His intense and unpredictable behavior was exhausting and at times, alienating. I resisted every urge to yell at him in pure frustration “What is WRONG with you?.” He just wasn’t like other kids. Well meaning friends and relatives were quick to offer advice. One friend even gently asked, “Well, have you tried disciplining him?.” Tried? I was trying constantly but he just would NOT respond like a ‘normal’ child. I often left play dates in tears and felt incredibly alone and at times guilty, that perhaps his behavior was a reflection of my poor parenting. I often wondered if I (we) had created a monster. The term ‘spirited children’ describes a proportion of children who are simply more intense, sensitive, perceptive and challenging than other children. I discovered there wasn’t anything ‘wrong’ with my son. This was all apart of the unique personality and temperament he was born with."

Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing a good job parenting Joel. When other moms see me shrug and let Joel continue in his behaviour, I sometimes feel as though they think I am apathetic in my discipline approach. I'm not. I've just learned to pick my battles. To let things go.(Which for a type A personality, is a really HUGE lesson to learn). Its not that I haven't tried to discipline Joel. Its just that he doesn't respond the way other children do. The word "no" is really just an invitation to continue the behaviour with a smirky smile. A slap on the hand is responded to with laughter. As Dan's Grandma said about Dan's Father, "I could have beaten that kid to within an inch of his life, and he still would have continued the behaviour." And to be honest, that's how I feel with Joel at times. He's just a bit more demanding on me, and sometimes, I just don't feel like picking a fight. I can often see him calculating time verses distance...how long will it take mom to get here, before I can get into....

Joel is just a bit more demanding. He takes a lot longer to learn which behaviour is appropriate and which is not. He has a mind of his own. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. He is energetic and constantly moving. He doesn't play well on his own and if he does, its not for very long. He constantly wants attention. He doesn't calm easily (especially before bed). We've come to realize that reading books is not a calming before-bed activity. It causes him to get all excited. We've learnt that singing to him causes him to stay awake, whereas humming will calm him quickly. We've learned to adapt to Joel's crazy antics and encourage him to work along side us, rather than separate from us.

I have felt deeply encouraged reading other mom's struggles with their spirited children and high needs babies, and how much they have learned to enjoy them. I have learned well.. this:
“Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.”-- Joan Ryan

God has blessed me with a wonderful son...and a wonderful world of bloggers who felt compelled to share their stories as encouragement to others. As I nod in agreement, laugh at similar circumstances and sigh with relief that I am not alone, I feel encouraged. I needed to know that there are others who struggle with their children. Its not that Joel should be labeled high needs or spirited, its just he shares some of those traits (or maybe he is....what do I know!) I am just purely thankful for the encouragement I have received. I am a good mom. I am doing the best I can with the resources I have. I am still learning. My son is the way he is, because God created him that way. And that is okay.