Mother's Day

This Mother's Day was a particularily emotional one for me.

I was grateful for my two precious little boys. Happy to see their smiling faces deliver hand made cards (one a day early since the big one couldn't contain his excitement). I marvel at how they have grown up and am facinated by their knowledge. I felt cherished as Dan tried to explain to them what today was all about. It was a relaxing time with my boys, spent at church and at the beach.

But it was also a sad day. Today I remember Judah. I remember and mourn his loss. I should be 7, almost 8 months pregnant. My body should be uncomfortable, but instead it was my heart. I am sad about what should be, but try to focus on what is.

Today I remember that I am holding a little blessing. Unknown to many, but a few chosen friends and family. Today I cherish the little life that I am growing. Today I am six weeks pregnant with my fourth baby. Today, as I fend off nausea and fear, I cherish my little blessing. My emotions are wild. I am excited to be pregnant. I am fearful that just that one little twinge may be the end of this pregnancy. I fear that when I feel healthy, that I have lost another child. I rejoice and am disgusted when I feel nauseaus.

Today my emotions are all over the place. I am happy for the family I have. I mourn over the child I have lost. I am excited, scared and filled with hope over the life that is to come. Today is MOther's Day. A day to celebrate all sorts of Mothers. Mothers that are, and are yet to be. Mothers with their arms full and Mother's longing for a child. Mothers by a traditional sense and mothers by other means. 

Today I longed for the Mother's Day of old. The days when I didn't realize the heartbreak of motherhood. The longing for a child. That there was a difference between a mother and a spiritual mother. I miss the simplity. That pretty much everyone older than me was a mother. Today, I wish that every woman (and man) would realize their importance. That whether we have children of our own or not, we are all responsible for raising these children. We are all intrusted to be ambassators of these children. Raising my two boys has made me realize that I need all the help I can get. I need a different perspective on life from other people. I cannot do this on my own. I need community. These boys need community.

So today, to everyone out there: Thank you. Thank you for being present in our lives. For encouraging us, challenging us, caring for us, celebrating with us and mourning with us. Our lives have been touched by your generosity and your spirits.

Happy Mother's Day!

Love Amanda, Dan, Joel, Micah, Judah and Baby #4