Monday, November 18, 2013

Flood Falls


We took the opportunity on the holiday Monday to go for a small hike at Flood Falls in Hope B.C.

It was a short hike to a small waterfall.

It was a beautiful quiet serene spot (until a bunch of people showed up).
 
 

The boys loved throwing rocks into the pool of water. They could do that all day if we let them. But Dan and I got in on the action, throwing huge rocks in the pool. The boys loved watching the splashes.

My mom came with us to join in the fun.

The two of us climbed up the mountain like a pair of mountain goats.

It was a nice trail, easy for the kids to climb.
 

Family Picture

Licorice Root....yum!
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Saturday, November 16, 2013

Overwhelmingly Blessed

We are blessed. Overwhelmingly blessed. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster for our family. We have felt the highs and the lows. We have gone on with normal life, yet stopped at times to mourn.

We have been blessed by a young mom who came over in the midst of the turmoil, to put Joel down for his nap. She put him back in his bed, repeatedly, since it was too exhausting for me to walk down the hall. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by a friend who even though was dealing with the flu, texted repeatedly with encouraging words, until she recovered enough to be here in person. She listened to the same sentiments over and over, yet still found the words to bless. We have been blessed.

We were blessed by a family whose lives were preparing for a trip, yet found the time to drop off a meal. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by a family who from across the world, preparing for a typhoon of the century, took time out to skype with us. They asked us some hard questions, that the answers we were dying to share with someone. They allowed us to share some of the intimate details, all while we wrangled 4 kids between us. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by a couple living far away, who joined us for dinner via skype. They made us feel so loved as they talked with our children and us. They talked about daily life, which made us feel normal again. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by a car-less couple who live a distance away, who begged, borrowed or stole (okay maybe not the last one) a vehicle so they could bring lunch to us. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by a son, whose empathetic skills are outstanding. He would stop what he is doing to ask, Mommy are you sad? Is it because the baby is with Jesus? I would reply yes, and he would wrap his arms around me with a huge hug. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by that same son, who would pull out this cute routine at just the right moment. A pound it, a kiss and a hug. We would follow with a tickle. Giggles and love would ensue. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by a grandma who gave up her afternoon to sit in a quiet house while two children slept so I could go to an appointment without disturbing their sleep. As quickly and quietly as she came, she left. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by an aunt who called to share her story and encourage us through our journey. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by a mom who gave up two consecutive nights to hang out with the boys so we could have date night. We have been blessed.

We have been blessed by a little boy who crawls up to us and snuggles, just because. We have been blessed.

We have felt overwhelmingly blessed by our friends and family. We have needed the prayers of the saints, the hands and feet of Jesus and the heart of God. Thank you for mourning with us.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Special Sunday Dinner


This past week we decided to have a special Sunday dinner. A picnic in the living room, Extreme Nachos for dinner and Finding Nemo on the telly.

This is what memories are made of.
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Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Guitar Boys


I made Joel a guitar out of cardboard and elastic bands. He LOVES it. 

I made Micah a shaker--he's sort of indifferent about it.

These two rock out together on a regular basis.
Sometimes Joel likes to change it up a bit and play the "jello" aka cello. He knows its called the cello, but refuses to call it that. So jello it is!
 
Joel loves music, especially Jacob Moon (his favorite singer). Getting to play guitar and rock out to Jacob Moon is one of his favorite activities.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Silly Boys


In the cabinet

Mr. Fix-it

Fun on the Blanket

Joel found our old car seat and wanted a ride

Laughter

Reading books under the table
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Thursday, November 7, 2013

Judah's Story

It came as a surprise. And as quickly as we had accepted it, it was gone.

I knew I was pregnant the moment I walked into the grocery store for apples and bananas and walked out with a box of oranges instead. Oranges are my cheap pregnancy test, when I like them, I'm pregnant. When I don't, I'm not. A pregnancy test confirmed it. I am pregnant! I remember peeing on the stick, not looking at it and placing it on the counter. I prayed to God, placing the results in his hands. If this is what He envisioned, then let it be so. Just give us peace about it.  Two minutes later, I picked up the test, took a deep breath, and saw two lines staring back at me. We were pregnant with our third child! We were surprised by the realization. It was not something we were planning, nor could we figure out when it happened. One night, Dan and I sat down with a calendar to try and figure out when we conceived. Nothing was adding up. But we didn't care. Surprise turned to excitement and research. What would life be like with three little ones? How would we handle a three and a half year old, a two year old and a newborn baby? What is the best configuration for car seats? How do you go grocery shopping?  All of these trivial day to day things with three kids seemed overwhelming. But somehow we would make it work. We started to picture what life would be like with three little ones.  We knew it would be hard, but we were excited.

But as quickly as it came. It was gone. I suspected things might be headed south when I was peeling an orange for the kids and it churned my stomach. It didn't smell good (and that's not normal). But maybe things are different for this pregnancy, I rationalized. I really started to suspect things were wrong when the "suspected" six week mark came and I wasn't throwing up (with both previous pregnancies, I began throwing up at exactly six weeks). But I didn't want to believe that this was happening. My energy was high, but maybe I'm just healthier this time, I hoped. It was none of these things. My HCG (the pregnancy hormone) levels were low- only a 17. A seventeen symbolizes three to four weeks along in the pregnancy. But perhaps my dates were wrong. Maybe we conceived later. A test four days later and my levels were 19. They are supposed to double every 24 hours. My heart dropped. Its true. I am having a miscarriage.

We were in shock. Something that surprised us only a few weeks ago, was surprising us again. Our surprise and excitement has turned to sadness and grief. We are in disbelief. There was nothing we could have done to prevent this. Miscarriage is common. And although miscarriage is something that happens to woman all the time, it is not a common thing to me. This is my first miscarriage and will hopefully be my last. And it sucks.

Emotionally, we are coping. We have periods of sadness. We spend time crying and mourning. We have been surrounded by great friends and family who are supporting us through this ordeal.

Physically, having a miscarriage has been tough. My hormones have spent time believing they are pregnant and that they have just given birth. I am exhausted. Walking down the hall leaves me winded. My hormones have been out of control. The morning after we got our second set of HCG levels, and we realized that we were miscarrying, I was a hormonal mess. The kids would look at me and I would yell. I was almost uncontrollably angry. I admit, I wish I could erase that morning from my memory. I yelled at my kids more than I care to admit. I know it was the hormones. I just wish I didn't have to deal with that. Following that morning, was a very tearful afternoon. Dan was telling me about his day, as tears streamed down my face. I couldn't control the sadness. I collapsed into Dan's arms heaving and crying. Yes, I was sad, but this was uncontrollable. I couldn't stop the tears if I tried. I have to admit, that the hormones have been the worst part of this whole situation. I can deal with the loss. I can deal with my emotions. But the hormones.....they suck. I don't think I was prepared for them.

The next day, I woke up and the bleeding had began. There is nothing quite like staring at pieces of your unborn child's lifeline escaping your body. At least the hormones had leveled out a bit.

A few days later, I went to my ultrasound. It was scheduled a few days after my positive pregnancy test. It was supposed to date our pregnancy. This was the day we would find out when our baby would join our family. Perhaps we would get to hear the baby's heartbeat. It was a day Dan and I were looking forward to. Instead, I sat in that waiting room alone. Barely holding myself together. I was surrounded by pregnant ladies, some larger than others. Excitement filled their faces, but mine was full of grief. My technician seemed hard of listening. I repeated told her that I had miscarried, yet she kept asking me if I was excited about my pregnancy, what number baby this was, and the kicker, to have a good day. Did she not just probe my empty womb? Didn't I see her face fall to that stoic expression when she failed to see a baby in my uterus? But have a good day. I'll try lady. I held myself together enough to get to the van before I imploded in a heap of tears. There was nothing left. I cried until I could cry no longer. Then I drove home to relieve Gran-Gran of her babysitting duties.

Right now, we are coping. We take it day by day. This is our first experience and we may look back at it and wonder how we coped or we may look back and wonder why it was such a big deal. But we are doing what we feel is right for our family as we cope with something that is new to us. We have never dealt with this before, so we have chosen to deal with it in this manner.

Writing is therapeutic for me. So I write. We went to listen to music at the church the other night. It soothed our souls.

One day shy of two weeks. That's all we had. From the moment we discovered this pregnancy, to the moment we found out that it was no longer. Its not long. The baby was only the size of a lentil. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to forget this little life that we had. For our own healing purposes, we've decided to name this child. I don't want these two weeks to be forgotten. I've told Dan, that if we name this child, it will be etched in my memory. I can call this baby by name. I can remember that it wasn't a situation, but a life. (Yes, I may look back at this wonder why it was so important to me, but it is right now. And I'm going to name this child, so I can cope with the situation we are facing). Needless to say, we have decided to name this child:

Judah Malachi
Judah meaning, "Praise"
Malachi meaning, "an angel or a messenger"
 
We don't know the gender of this child, but we don't mind. These names were placed on our hearts, so we've decided that they are a perfect fit for our child.

We wish we weren't in this situation. Both of us are struggling. We find it difficult to reach out. Not because we don't need help or feel that we can't ask for it. We want all the help we can get. But we find it difficult to say those words. To share why we need help. We're having a miscarriage. Just writing those words make me cringe. I don't like them. We have lost a child and that's a hard enough situation, but having to repeat those words over and over again are exhausting. We've held on to this secret for a while, not because we don't want the support of our friends and family. But because we can't get those words out. We don't know how to tell people. The pregnancy was a surprise, but a joyful one. This miscarriage was also a surprise, but a terribly sad and frustrating one. We have suffered a loss, and don't want to suffer alone. But we aren't sure of how to go about getting the word out, without having to say that terrible word over and over again.

For now, we are clinging to the hope and peace we have in Christ.  We hold on to those moments as a family where we feel the all encompassing love to God. We still laugh at our boys. Joel is convinced that he has a baby in his tummy. How did it get there? It jumped in. Is it a boy or a girl? Its just a baby. How will it get out? It'll come flying out, then I put it in the microwave, press the buttons, take it out and feed it to Micah. Its those comments that make us laugh. When he asks if mommy went into the store to buy medicine to put the baby back in mommy's tummy, we cry. When he asks if I am sad because the baby is with Jesus, we know we've raised a compassionate son. Joel always has been a sensitive child and can usually sense when someone is hurt. It is because of this reason that we did not hide this situation from him. He knew before we could even get the words out. Unfortunately he is two and these are big emotions for him to process. We have dealt with some (exhausting) behavior issues, but have come at him with understanding and compassion as he mourns as well.

Losing a child affects the whole family. And our family has been affected. Its not just the four of us that mourn either. Grandparents and great-grandparents are also mourning. Our friends are mourning as well. Our community is mourning. And that brings me comfort. Even though their grief may be fleeting, we are comforted by the fact that we are being supported in our grief.  We need our community right now. Having a miscarriage is a lonely feeling. Sometimes we feel as though we are suffering in silence. There is no physical evidence that anything is wrong. All we have is two weeks of faint memories and a future that is missing a member of our family.

I look around and wonder what life would have been like with another child. We went for a walk as a family last night, all holding hands and I kept thinking, we are missing a child. The boys were playing trains, and I kept wondering what life would have been like with another one around. Empty memories. This is the harsh reality of our new life. We have lost a child.



We were surprised by your life and even more surprised by your passing. You have left an impression on our hearts. Judah Malachi, you will always be a part of our family. We love you. This is your story.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Pumpkin Patch


Willow View Farms
 

Joel choosing a pumpkin in the pumpkin patch

Love Micah's expression in this one. He is pretending to pick up a really heavy pumpkin and letting out a large grunt.

Hay Ride

Joel's favorite part of the day---picking apples.
 
 
 

Pushing our loot home

Growth charts
 
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Monday, November 4, 2013

We're going to the Zoo, zoo, zoo...

(if I just got that song stuck in your head, you're welcome!)
 

Yee haw!
 

The bear came so close to us (you know, through the fence and all)

Yep. We go to the zoo to play in the leaves.

We had the BEST time throwing leaves at one another...

...watching them fall.

The boys really got into it.
 

Apparently my mom and Joel became a part of the exhibit. How did they get behind the fence?

Walking along the train tracks
 
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Saturday, November 2, 2013

The tale of a construction worker, a mom, their little shark and an anemometer


or Halloween 2013!

Micah was a shark.
(We got three years out of this costume. Best buy ever! And who knows, we might get another year or two out of it)

I kept asking Joel what he wanted to dress up as for Halloween.
A farmer?
A surfer?
A pilot?
Jacob Moon (our favorite guitar player)?
A singer?
Joel's response: an anemometer.
I asked multiple times. I suggested the above ideas. But this kid is adamant.
He wanted to be an anemometer.

For those of you who are wondering, an anemometer is a device that measures wind speed. Those little cups spin around in the wind and the amount of revolutions lets us know how fast the wind is blowing.

Why does my two year old know what an anemometer is?
Grandma!
When we were in Oregon, they are on almost every roof along the water. He wanted to know what those "fans" where. Perhaps that's were this obsession comes from. Joel sure likes fans.

Needless to say, I dressed him up as a pilot as backup in case he wanted to loose the anemometer along the way. He made it half way through our 2.5 hour adventure before he decided that it was too heavy and too annoying to have on his head. It did get caught in bushes, stairs and railings quite often.

The kids had a great Halloween. They loved walking up to people's houses, walking in and talking to almost everyone they met. Micah would hold up his bucket for candy, and once they put candy inside, he would examine the loot, and hold up his bucket again. Sometimes he would even say "more." He definitely got a lot more candy that way. Way to be cute little guy!

Joel asked almost everyone if they liked firecrackers. He doesn't and made sure everyone knew that.
He was quite observant along the walk, pointing out octagons, pentagons and semi-circles along the way. He would often give an shapes lesson to homeowners. They loved it!

What we took away from this Halloween:
If you got cute little guys, you get more candy.

This neighbourhood is awesome. Many people knew us from the area and would pull out their, "I recognize you, therefore you get more candy or full size chocolate bars" stash. These kids scored big, netting an entire reusable shopping bag FULL of candy (or 3 ice cream buckets full if you will).

This neighbourhood loves the Barkmans. Our trip took twice as long since most of our neighbours were asking about them, wondering how they were. (yes, even streets over from us). It was awesome to know how much they are cared for and how much they love us just because we live in their house.
Barkmans, EVERY neighbour loves you guys and you left quite an impression and reputation to live up to. You guys are loved here!

All in all, a great day!
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