Constant

*I wrote this in February. Obviously its message is still applicable. In fact, Dan is in school for five weeks, so the consistency is even more evident.*

My father-in-law took Dan and I out for dinner last week. It was wonderful. While we were out eating, he made a comment about why he wanted to take us out for dinner (other than the fact that he rarely gets to see us and this was to celebrate our birthdays). He took just the two of us out, rather than the whole family to give us a break. With the kids around, we are constantly on duty. Our action and movements are constant. There is no break.

For some reason, that word stuck out to me: constant. I've pondered that word for a few days now and I've come to realize that perhaps that is what is unsettled in me lately. Everything is constant. We are always on duty. From the moment we get up in the morning until we crawl into bed at night, we are moving constantly. Feeding, cleaning, changing, calming, disciplining. Sometimes I feel like I am on a hamster wheel, running around and not getting anywhere. There are always hungry kids. The house is always in a state of disarray. The laundry is never finished. Kids constantly need help. Reminding kids to do their responsibilities. Attempting to get kids to go (and stay) asleep. Its never-ending. And that's just the parenting aspect of my life. Then, I also have a marriage to nurture, extended family to communicate with, and relationships with friends to uphold.

Lately, I've been feeling slightly overwhelmed. I'm not drowning under the responsibilities of being a wife and mother. But I feel like I'm constantly moving. There has been an absence of rest. My days are busy caring for kids, my nights have been restless.Then someone asks me to help, to volunteer, to be a part of a committee, to serve in some way...and I say no. I can't quite put my finger on why I don't want to. But I think I've figured it out. My life is full. I can't fit anything else in. And if I could, I wouldn't be doing something new. I want to be better at what I am already doing.

I would be consistent in getting out care group emails earlier in the week.
I would be in communication with the Barkmans more (and be a better liason between them and the church).
I would blog more.
I would teach Micah his letters and numbers (and be a bit more intentional about it).
I would mop my floors.
I would read with Joel, or rather have Joel read to me.
I would do more Lent activities with the boys. The ideas are there, the motivation is lacking.
I would cook more meals (rather than defaulting that to Dan).
I would go for more nature walks.
I would sign my boys up for swim lessons.

I know there is more. Part of my problem is the constant demands of family. I get started on something and then I hear the tears of a child. Or I'm overwhelmed by the daily to-do list and don't know where to start (or sadly, can't remember what it is I'm supposed to be doing).
The other problem is motivation. I am so dang tired that I can't be bothered to do these things. When the kids are in bed, and Dan and I are done the daily duties for the day, we collapse on the couch. I can't be bothered to plan things, to blog, to do the things I want/need to do. I'm too tired. My brain just needs to stop. To breathe. To rest.

We've had some busy evenings lately and I can tell. My demeanor is down. Our marriage needs to be dusted off. Its not that its bad. It just hasn't been taken care of. We need to connect again. (and now that Dan isn't sick and the risk of germ transfer has lessened, I'm willing to take that risk). We need to tackle that to do list, but relaxation is more important. We've driven ourselves into the ground and we both know our limit. Life is constant.

We've had some long sleepless nights lately. I can tell. My caffeine intake has almost doubled.  I enjoyed a short nap during church (sorry Chris). My brain feels foggy and jumbled. I'm short in patience and quick to anger. My eyes feel heavy. My body feels slow. I crave sweets and comfort food. And a nap. Oh, how I could use a nap. I miss getting more than two hours of consecutive sleep. I miss waking up to see a six on my alarm clock. Life is constant.

The consistency of life is getting to us. We know what we need. A few good nights sleep. A few days of restful activities. A walk outdoors. A sunny day. A short break. Date night.

We know those things will come. But until they do, we have become masters of 'making do.' We will pair down the activities. We will do the bare minimum to make it through the day until our bodies have rested and are ready to tackle the next project. We will motor through those long nights, praying for rest. Our life is constant.