One Month Later: Judah's Story

One month. That's all its been. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime and other times it feels like it was yesterday.

Physically things are back to normal. My energy is back. My hormones have leveled. The bleeding has stopped, lasting only a week. There was one part of me that kept wishing the bleeding would stop and the other part of me that exclaimed, "Only a week?! That's all I get?" Silly, I know. But most of my emotions have been like that. Opposite of one another, felt at almost the same time.

When the kids are acting crazy, I find myself relieved to not be expecting another child. "There is no way I could handle that." Then two seconds later, I find myself wishing that Judah was here amidst all of it. "We would have made do."

I find myself enjoying my children, loving the two of them and their crazy antics. Then saddened that there are only two that I am enjoying.

I see newborn babies and am relieved that I am not amidst the sleepless nights (oh wait, I still am). But then, I sigh, and wish I was the one snuggling that adorable infant.

I find myself relieved to be able to participate in advent activities without being sick but saddened that we are missing a member of our family.

Some days I can talk nonchalant about the fact that I've had a miscarriage. Then other days, I talk, but my soul is screaming, "This isn't fair!"

I find my heart sighing, "Oh Judah" on a regular basis. In those moments when my heart is sad that Judah is not with us, I sigh, "Oh Judah." In those moments when I wish he was here with Joel and Micah filling my house with laughter and trouble, I sigh, "Oh Judah." In those moments of relief, when I feel overwhelmed by the life I have, I sigh, "Oh Judah."

Real tears are rare. I think this sigh is my heart crying. Crying out for injustice. Crying out prayers. Crying out thankfulness.

I'm pretty much a big bi-polar mess. And I'm okay with that. I'm mourning. My heart longs for my child that is no longer here.

People have asked us if we want to start trying for our next child right away, instead of waiting like we had planned.  Yes, we want another child. But right now, we need to wait. Medically, we have to wait at least another month before trying for another child. But more than that, we need our hearts to heal. We need time to mourn. Time to work through our fears. If God planned another child sooner than we expect, we will welcome it with open arms, just like we welcomed Judah. But is another child on our radar right now? No.  Do I long for newborn snuggles? Yes. But for now, I will snuggle our friends and family's little ones. I will hold my two little boys tight, loving them the only way I know how. Its been one month. One crazy month.

So when Joel asks me, "Mommy are you sad?" I can say yes. Yes, I am sad. And when he says, "Is that because the baby is with Jesus?" I will say yes. When Joel tells me that the baby is no longer in his tummy, I sigh silently, my heart crying, "Oh Judah." Then I wrap Joel up in my arms, snuggle him close and thank God for my kids. All three of them.