Micah: I was singing "Be still and know that I am God" to Micah a few nights ago. All of a sudden, he starts saying Irmgard! Irmgard! I was so confused until I realized that he meant, "Be still and know that Irmgard." (Can you tell that he loves Irmgard?)
Joel: Every night I ask Joel what song he wants me to sing before nap and bed. His answer is always the same. "The one that Angelika sang at church." So for 8 solid weeks, we sang, "I have decided to follow Jesus," TWO times! Twice a day, every day, for eight weeks. (Because you know, we sang it TWICE at church and it has to be the EXACT same.) Well, finally Angelika is back from vacation and led worship last week. He's finally changed the song (thank-you!) to "Be still and know." Now we have to sing ALL the verses every night before bed (good thing I could only remember two verses!?). Any chance you're on worship team soon Angelika? We need to add a few new songs to our repertoire! That boy loves it when you sing. Heck, he just loves you!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Fear and anxiety
This pregnancy has been marred by the past. I feel a lot of anxiety and fear. A previous miscarriage will do that.
Most days, I feel fine. Normal perhaps. Or at least ignoring the pregnancy as much as I can, going about my normal daily life. I don't want to get too close. I don't want to bond with the baby. I'm too scared. So I just try and push it all aside.
This is the latest I have felt a baby move in all my pregnancies. Or at least, I think its the baby moving. I second-guess it all the time. It could just be gas or digestion, right? Its still the slightest movement, or what I think could be slight movements. Its hard to tell at this point. By this time with both the boys, I was no longer feeling the flutters, but full out kicking.
A week or two before an appointment, I feel riddled with fear. I wonder if there will be a heartbeat. I wonder if this baby will "make it." I wonder if I will need to go through the sadness again. I don't want to loose this baby. But that is my greatest fear.
Today my anxiety was high. I had my 18 week midwife appointment. Another time to hear that little ones heartbeat. (We've heard it twice before, at our dating ultrasound and during my 12 week appointment). But this time, I felt more anxiety than before. Perhaps because I am further along than before. Or perhaps because of anxious thoughts that have plagued me this past week. I went in anxious, yet tried hard to hide it. I just feared that this would be the day I would hear that this baby was no longer.
We proceeded with our regular appointment, a physical of sorts. Until the moment of truth came. It was time to hear the heartbeat. The experienced midwife put the doppler to my belly and nothing. No sounds of movement. No heartbeat. She continues to move it around to no avail. She reassures me that she hears my uterine arteries which means there is a baby. But that brings no reassurance to my aching heart. I wonder if the baby has no heartbeat and has died. I pray, God please let us hear this baby's heart. She continues to search for the baby. Nothing. Minutes tick by. I try to reassure her and myself as well. "It took a long time to find Joel's heartbeat" I didn't mention out loud that he was moving the entire time and we literally had to pin him down to hear his little heart. All I can think is that this baby is gone. I still pray. We hear more uterine arteries. The midwife tries more positions, places where she doesn't think a baby should be. Still nothing. Fear and anxiety are creeping in. I'm doing all I can to hold in the tears. Seconds continue to tick by. Then, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whop, whop, whop of a baby. Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed with relief. Joy. Praise! I try not to cry, merely so that the doppler won't loose the heartbeat and pick up on my sobs. 152 beats per minute.
There is something about this heartbeat that brings me to tears every single time. I'm overwhelmed hearing this little baby, alive and well. The midwife comments that this baby is a mover and shaker. That statement elicits a different sort of fear. We love our children, but thoughts of another spirited child bring fear of a different sort. A lifetime of sleeplessness and energy, a different sort of temperament, and intense parenting.
But for some reason, that little heartbeat still brings anxiety. I wonder if this child will be born sick or with some sort of defect. I still hold this baby at arms length. Until its ultrasound in two weeks, I'm not sure I will allow myself to bond with this baby. I'm still full of fear and anxiety.
I've been told not to let the past affect the future. Most days, I'm okay. But some days, anxiety takes hold and grips me with fear. We are praying for a healthy baby. A living baby. A baby with a strong, steady heartbeat. And a little less fear and a lot more peace.
Most days, I feel fine. Normal perhaps. Or at least ignoring the pregnancy as much as I can, going about my normal daily life. I don't want to get too close. I don't want to bond with the baby. I'm too scared. So I just try and push it all aside.
This is the latest I have felt a baby move in all my pregnancies. Or at least, I think its the baby moving. I second-guess it all the time. It could just be gas or digestion, right? Its still the slightest movement, or what I think could be slight movements. Its hard to tell at this point. By this time with both the boys, I was no longer feeling the flutters, but full out kicking.
A week or two before an appointment, I feel riddled with fear. I wonder if there will be a heartbeat. I wonder if this baby will "make it." I wonder if I will need to go through the sadness again. I don't want to loose this baby. But that is my greatest fear.
Today my anxiety was high. I had my 18 week midwife appointment. Another time to hear that little ones heartbeat. (We've heard it twice before, at our dating ultrasound and during my 12 week appointment). But this time, I felt more anxiety than before. Perhaps because I am further along than before. Or perhaps because of anxious thoughts that have plagued me this past week. I went in anxious, yet tried hard to hide it. I just feared that this would be the day I would hear that this baby was no longer.
We proceeded with our regular appointment, a physical of sorts. Until the moment of truth came. It was time to hear the heartbeat. The experienced midwife put the doppler to my belly and nothing. No sounds of movement. No heartbeat. She continues to move it around to no avail. She reassures me that she hears my uterine arteries which means there is a baby. But that brings no reassurance to my aching heart. I wonder if the baby has no heartbeat and has died. I pray, God please let us hear this baby's heart. She continues to search for the baby. Nothing. Minutes tick by. I try to reassure her and myself as well. "It took a long time to find Joel's heartbeat" I didn't mention out loud that he was moving the entire time and we literally had to pin him down to hear his little heart. All I can think is that this baby is gone. I still pray. We hear more uterine arteries. The midwife tries more positions, places where she doesn't think a baby should be. Still nothing. Fear and anxiety are creeping in. I'm doing all I can to hold in the tears. Seconds continue to tick by. Then, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whop, whop, whop of a baby. Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed with relief. Joy. Praise! I try not to cry, merely so that the doppler won't loose the heartbeat and pick up on my sobs. 152 beats per minute.
There is something about this heartbeat that brings me to tears every single time. I'm overwhelmed hearing this little baby, alive and well. The midwife comments that this baby is a mover and shaker. That statement elicits a different sort of fear. We love our children, but thoughts of another spirited child bring fear of a different sort. A lifetime of sleeplessness and energy, a different sort of temperament, and intense parenting.
But for some reason, that little heartbeat still brings anxiety. I wonder if this child will be born sick or with some sort of defect. I still hold this baby at arms length. Until its ultrasound in two weeks, I'm not sure I will allow myself to bond with this baby. I'm still full of fear and anxiety.
I've been told not to let the past affect the future. Most days, I'm okay. But some days, anxiety takes hold and grips me with fear. We are praying for a healthy baby. A living baby. A baby with a strong, steady heartbeat. And a little less fear and a lot more peace.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Top Ten Toys
While on vacation, Dan and I commented to one another that bringing the boys cardboard guitars was one of the smartest last minute decisions we ever made. They played with them everyday, multiple times a day. Because of that, I started wondering what our boys favorite toys were. Dan and I compiled a list of the boys top ten toys. (a side note: these are what the boys use during the summer months. They may change during the long winter months. But for our memories, this is what the boys love right now!)
1. Loveys: Joel's giraffe and Micah's newest addition, Muk Muk (an Olympic mascot thrown to him during this years Canada day parade). Don't leave home without them!
2. Lawn Mower: best side of the road find EVER! If it actually worked like a real lawn mower, this entire neighbourhood would have the best mowed lawns around. It was the first toy Joel grabbed when we returned from our two week vacation.
3. Diggers: this past Christmas, we bought the boys a few diggers. We brought them with us to Oregon, and they boys love them. They play with them often, especially the large ones outside, which were gifted to us by my brother and sister in law last summer. Those boys love scooping dirt, pouring it out, and playing construction site.
4. Rocks, Sticks, Dirt, Berries and the Forest: we actually had to ask ourselves, do these even count as toys? The boys LOVE playing outside in the forest. They forage for berries, throw rocks, use sticks as drumsticks (or blue herons) and dig in the dirt. Quite often, we find them doing this more than playing with actual toys. We love the backyard and the park. They just love playing outside!
5. Cardboard Guitars: Best three hours spent on DIY in recent history. These guitars have lasted surprisingly almost 9 months and are played with every day. The boys are constantly singing, like Jacob Moon. They place blocks or Duplo on the floor to use as their looping machine, just like Jacob Moon. Recently they have added a maraca and drumming to their repertoire. Darnell and Christina left a cement mixer truck with a removable "bucket." The boys dump the Legos from the bucket and use it as a drum. Our poor neighbours must wonder about these boys. They sing ALL THE TIME. But never a real song....just dah da daaaaaaaaahhh!
6. Piano: See above. Our budding musicians play it all the time. Sometimes they just bang on it. sometimes they use the piano to play songs (it comes with pre-recorded songs). But they sing, and play instruments all day long. (in fact, instead of napping, Joel is drumming in his room right now!)
7. Train Tracks: Okay, its not always the train tracks that they play with. But they like to play "ding, dingers." You know, the wooden arms that come down across the track when a train is approaching. Yep, that's what they play. So sometimes, they play with an actual track and use the car ramp (with the little elevator that goes up and down) as the "ding dinger." Two days ago, they were playing ding dingers with two brooms on the deck pretending that their bicycles were the train.
8. Books: these boys love to read. Books are all over our house. If you come over to our house, do not be surprised to find a boy crawling into your lap asking you to read him a story. Good thing we have LOTS of books and rotate them regularly. Dan and I got so tired of reading the same books over and over, that we started a rotation for our sanity. It works wonders. Now, instead of wanting to throw books away, we simply rotate them and get a good break from that particular story.
(okay, can I stop at a top eight? I'm having a hard time coming up with ten!)
9. Hopper: the little ball that the boys jump on all over the house. They love this thing. I'm pretty sure the downstairs tenants do not. Oh well. They haven't complained yet and it keeps the boys entertained for long periods of time.
10. Bicycle/Plasma Car: Micah's favorite pastime is zooming around the deck on the plasma car. Joel prefers the tricycle. They do laps around the table and get awfully close to the stairs (enough to give people heart attacks). Sometimes I find Micah just sitting on the plasma car engrossed in his imagination. Or maybe just looking at bugs.
P.S. Do bugs, worms and snails count as toys? Cuz those are also a daily activity in Micah's world. Joel won't touch the things, but quite often I hear him calling Micah over to do the "dirty" work. Micah! There's a bug! Come pick it up! Micah loves all things creepy crawly. Joel only loves the snail shells. But somehow they work together to play with those things.
1. Loveys: Joel's giraffe and Micah's newest addition, Muk Muk (an Olympic mascot thrown to him during this years Canada day parade). Don't leave home without them!
2. Lawn Mower: best side of the road find EVER! If it actually worked like a real lawn mower, this entire neighbourhood would have the best mowed lawns around. It was the first toy Joel grabbed when we returned from our two week vacation.
3. Diggers: this past Christmas, we bought the boys a few diggers. We brought them with us to Oregon, and they boys love them. They play with them often, especially the large ones outside, which were gifted to us by my brother and sister in law last summer. Those boys love scooping dirt, pouring it out, and playing construction site.
4. Rocks, Sticks, Dirt, Berries and the Forest: we actually had to ask ourselves, do these even count as toys? The boys LOVE playing outside in the forest. They forage for berries, throw rocks, use sticks as drumsticks (or blue herons) and dig in the dirt. Quite often, we find them doing this more than playing with actual toys. We love the backyard and the park. They just love playing outside!
5. Cardboard Guitars: Best three hours spent on DIY in recent history. These guitars have lasted surprisingly almost 9 months and are played with every day. The boys are constantly singing, like Jacob Moon. They place blocks or Duplo on the floor to use as their looping machine, just like Jacob Moon. Recently they have added a maraca and drumming to their repertoire. Darnell and Christina left a cement mixer truck with a removable "bucket." The boys dump the Legos from the bucket and use it as a drum. Our poor neighbours must wonder about these boys. They sing ALL THE TIME. But never a real song....just dah da daaaaaaaaahhh!
6. Piano: See above. Our budding musicians play it all the time. Sometimes they just bang on it. sometimes they use the piano to play songs (it comes with pre-recorded songs). But they sing, and play instruments all day long. (in fact, instead of napping, Joel is drumming in his room right now!)
7. Train Tracks: Okay, its not always the train tracks that they play with. But they like to play "ding, dingers." You know, the wooden arms that come down across the track when a train is approaching. Yep, that's what they play. So sometimes, they play with an actual track and use the car ramp (with the little elevator that goes up and down) as the "ding dinger." Two days ago, they were playing ding dingers with two brooms on the deck pretending that their bicycles were the train.
8. Books: these boys love to read. Books are all over our house. If you come over to our house, do not be surprised to find a boy crawling into your lap asking you to read him a story. Good thing we have LOTS of books and rotate them regularly. Dan and I got so tired of reading the same books over and over, that we started a rotation for our sanity. It works wonders. Now, instead of wanting to throw books away, we simply rotate them and get a good break from that particular story.
(okay, can I stop at a top eight? I'm having a hard time coming up with ten!)
9. Hopper: the little ball that the boys jump on all over the house. They love this thing. I'm pretty sure the downstairs tenants do not. Oh well. They haven't complained yet and it keeps the boys entertained for long periods of time.
10. Bicycle/Plasma Car: Micah's favorite pastime is zooming around the deck on the plasma car. Joel prefers the tricycle. They do laps around the table and get awfully close to the stairs (enough to give people heart attacks). Sometimes I find Micah just sitting on the plasma car engrossed in his imagination. Or maybe just looking at bugs.
P.S. Do bugs, worms and snails count as toys? Cuz those are also a daily activity in Micah's world. Joel won't touch the things, but quite often I hear him calling Micah over to do the "dirty" work. Micah! There's a bug! Come pick it up! Micah loves all things creepy crawly. Joel only loves the snail shells. But somehow they work together to play with those things.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Cravings and Aversions
* a little bit of a record for myself for memories sake
The Cravings:
Blueberries and cream (the ultimate craving. But I held off until blueberries were in season to fulfill it. Plus, I didn't want to ruin blueberries for a lifetime by puking them up!)
Blueberries (frozen. Rationed down to the last blueberry of last years season to perfectly sync up with this years season. Or in Tim Hortons muffins. Not homemade, only Tim Hortons. I've been known to drive to three separate Tim Hortons in search for said muffin, dry heaving or puking in the parking lots of those who "ran out." And the poor lady that offered me a fruit bran muffin instead....oh boy! Let's just say, I'm sorry and move on.)
Gouda on toast (thanks to Maria for fulfilling this one for me. Alas, it turned quickly into the aversions. Dang inability to keep anything down! Dan was excited though!)
Fresh summer fruit (for some reason, I think of July as the beginning of summer fruit...peaches, nectarines, plums. But those are more August. I was definitely disappointed to not have summer fruit in abundance. Can't wait to get my hands on them!)
Aversions:
Bananas (ever since my pregnancy with Micah (or Joel?) these have been gross, but I can handle them no problem. This pregnancy? Can't stand to even be around them! Unfortunately, the boys love them and suddenly took to throwing banana peels around the house. Super gross! Just the smell alone can send me over the edge...let alone having to touch one or clean up goo from one!)
Cucumbers (sickening! Still haven't been able to add them back into my diet. I've picked through salads and thrown out flavoured water to avoid them. Can't believe how disgusted I am by them)
Chocolate and other sweets (this cho-a-holic is in hiding. I've indulged a few times in sweet things, but often feel nauseous afterwards. Not normally a puking food, but I've also not indulged to avoid puking up deliciousness)
Peanut Butter (the smell is gross. Still to this day, I can't handle the smell. Of course the boys are on a peanut butter sandwich kick right now. Once, I accidentally licked my finger after preparing a sandwich and dry heaved over it.)
Crackers (don't matter the kind or flavour, I'm over you! So tired of eating you to "settle the stomach." You're gross. I'm not necessarily avoiding you, I'm just sick and tired of eating you.)
Water (for the first 5-7 weeks, I could barely drink a cup a day. And for a large water drinker like myself, that was unusual. I drank a lot of juice...and puked a lot of juice. But finally my need to drink water came back and I'm guzzling it up like a fish!)
Worst thing I puked (this time around): Upside down pizza. Oh the burn! Tomato sauce is the worst! It will be a long time (if ever) before I eat that again. Just looking at a container of leftovers in the freezer (and writing this) makes me want to hurl. Blech!
In those 8-10 LONG weeks of nauseausness, I have learnt to eat every 1.5-2 hours. Do you know what its like to eat that often when NOTHING tastes/looks good? Its awful. And when you see that food again in a matter of minutes? Gross. Just remember to take small bites. It comes back out easier that way.
I'm glad that the nauseausness has subsided. I'm gaining my energy back slowly. (I can actually make it all the way around Fishtrap without huffing and puffing and needing a nap to recover!)
I am grateful for the blessing of this baby. But I was definitely over the "blessing" of nausea. Now that the nausea is over, I can look forward to the jabs and kicks of this little one.
The Cravings:
Blueberries and cream (the ultimate craving. But I held off until blueberries were in season to fulfill it. Plus, I didn't want to ruin blueberries for a lifetime by puking them up!)
Blueberries (frozen. Rationed down to the last blueberry of last years season to perfectly sync up with this years season. Or in Tim Hortons muffins. Not homemade, only Tim Hortons. I've been known to drive to three separate Tim Hortons in search for said muffin, dry heaving or puking in the parking lots of those who "ran out." And the poor lady that offered me a fruit bran muffin instead....oh boy! Let's just say, I'm sorry and move on.)
Gouda on toast (thanks to Maria for fulfilling this one for me. Alas, it turned quickly into the aversions. Dang inability to keep anything down! Dan was excited though!)
Fresh summer fruit (for some reason, I think of July as the beginning of summer fruit...peaches, nectarines, plums. But those are more August. I was definitely disappointed to not have summer fruit in abundance. Can't wait to get my hands on them!)
Aversions:
Bananas (ever since my pregnancy with Micah (or Joel?) these have been gross, but I can handle them no problem. This pregnancy? Can't stand to even be around them! Unfortunately, the boys love them and suddenly took to throwing banana peels around the house. Super gross! Just the smell alone can send me over the edge...let alone having to touch one or clean up goo from one!)
Cucumbers (sickening! Still haven't been able to add them back into my diet. I've picked through salads and thrown out flavoured water to avoid them. Can't believe how disgusted I am by them)
Chocolate and other sweets (this cho-a-holic is in hiding. I've indulged a few times in sweet things, but often feel nauseous afterwards. Not normally a puking food, but I've also not indulged to avoid puking up deliciousness)
Peanut Butter (the smell is gross. Still to this day, I can't handle the smell. Of course the boys are on a peanut butter sandwich kick right now. Once, I accidentally licked my finger after preparing a sandwich and dry heaved over it.)
Crackers (don't matter the kind or flavour, I'm over you! So tired of eating you to "settle the stomach." You're gross. I'm not necessarily avoiding you, I'm just sick and tired of eating you.)
Water (for the first 5-7 weeks, I could barely drink a cup a day. And for a large water drinker like myself, that was unusual. I drank a lot of juice...and puked a lot of juice. But finally my need to drink water came back and I'm guzzling it up like a fish!)
Worst thing I puked (this time around): Upside down pizza. Oh the burn! Tomato sauce is the worst! It will be a long time (if ever) before I eat that again. Just looking at a container of leftovers in the freezer (and writing this) makes me want to hurl. Blech!
In those 8-10 LONG weeks of nauseausness, I have learnt to eat every 1.5-2 hours. Do you know what its like to eat that often when NOTHING tastes/looks good? Its awful. And when you see that food again in a matter of minutes? Gross. Just remember to take small bites. It comes back out easier that way.
I'm glad that the nauseausness has subsided. I'm gaining my energy back slowly. (I can actually make it all the way around Fishtrap without huffing and puffing and needing a nap to recover!)
I am grateful for the blessing of this baby. But I was definitely over the "blessing" of nausea. Now that the nausea is over, I can look forward to the jabs and kicks of this little one.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Sorrento
The first Saturday in July, we went on a day trip to Sorrento, BC to visit Dan's dad. Although his Dad lives in Alberta, he was in Sorrento for a special family camp. Since its only four hours from our place, we've made it a tradition to visit him yearly (much better than the 10-12 hours to Alberta)
The boys are FANTASTIC travelers. In the four hour trip up, they played with a doodle for five minutes, and read books for five minutes. That's it! The rest of the time they were looking out the windows spotting waterfalls and mountains (Micah) or trains and their ding-dingers (Joel). We did stop multiple times for pee breaks (not to self: no Blue Moose smoothies on the trip or Joel will have to pee 3 times before Merritt!) But every stop was quick, and we made it there faster than we expected!
On the four hour trip home, Micah fell asleep about 10 minutes into the trip, mid sentence since neither boy had napped all day long. Joel took almost an hour, but was happy to look out the window at the trains. They only cried for less than five minutes, when Dan and I stopped at the old toll booth to use the bathroom. And that is only because the light in the van comes on and it was "too bright." As soon as we were on the road, silence ensued.
We had a great time visiting Papa, Grammie and Uncle Eli. The weather was expected to be in the high thirties, but seemed much cooler due to the shade and lower than expected temperatures. (Yippee!) We did have one brief rain shower, but it only lasted through dinner time and allowed our bustling family, time to snuggle under a small tarp to enjoy our dinner together. We surprised the family with fresh blueberry pie complete with whipping cream! Needless to say, other than Joel's small sliver, none of the kids like blueberries, so the adults had to sacrifice themselves and eat a quarter of the pie each! (We were NOT taking that home with us! I don't think the men minded!)
We stayed an hour and half later than expected because we wanted to watch Eli do his hip-hop dance performance. It was well worth the wait. Plus the drumming beforehand had Joel and Micah in a trance. We enjoyed our time together. Its always neat to see the boys interact with Papa and Grammie. They certainly have a soft spot in their hearts for them, even though we rarely see them.
My favorite part of the day was sitting on the beach. Joel walks up to Papa, Dan and myself and says, "Maaamma....Daada, Ma, Da, no......PAPA!!! I want to walk in the water!" Papa jumps up and takes his opportunity to spend time with this grandson, walking along the shore listening to Joel chat about everything and anything. Such a sweet moment!
Our day ended when we pulled into our driveway, just before midnight. It was a long day, but so worth every second!
Papa, Grammie, Uncle Eli, we love you!
Monday, July 28, 2014
Good-bye Diclectin!
Hello allergies.
I am super excited that I am now finished with Diclectin! About four weeks ago, I started slowing downing how many pills I took in a day. I got it down to five fairly quickly (from seven), and slowly over a couple days dropped more and more. I was on four for over a week, but eventually just forgot to take one. I did okay. I puked only once, but I realized that its my prenatal vitamins that cause it. Literally, within twenty minutes of taking one, it comes back out. Needless to say, I've stopped taking my prenatals (oops!). Before our vacation, I got it down to two pills a day. (Considering I didn't have enough to last me the entire trip if I took any more and I refused to buy more.) Plus, I was starting to feel better and know that somewhere between 14 and 16 weeks, the nausea subsides (aka, the start (14) and end (16 weeks) of our trip.)
The first couple days of our trip I forgot to take a pill. I felt fine. Just a bit nauseaus late at night (but maybe perhaps it had more to do with lack of food for hours than actual sickness). Within 3-4 days of the beginning of our two week trip, I had stopped taking Diclectin all together. A bit of nausea at times, but nothing that I couldn't handle. (haha..it was less nausea than I felt during those rough days of seven pills a day!)
But, what I did notice is my allergies started acting up. Oh wait! Could it be that Diceletin is one part anti-histamine??? Oh yes! Yes it is. So, needless to say, I've stopped one expensive pill for a slightly less expensive pill (oh allergy meds...how I loathe you and love you!)
But I'm not complaining. I think my allergies are bad because our vacation house is older and dustier than our place at home. I'll take a few sneezes over puking any day!
I am super excited that I am now finished with Diclectin! About four weeks ago, I started slowing downing how many pills I took in a day. I got it down to five fairly quickly (from seven), and slowly over a couple days dropped more and more. I was on four for over a week, but eventually just forgot to take one. I did okay. I puked only once, but I realized that its my prenatal vitamins that cause it. Literally, within twenty minutes of taking one, it comes back out. Needless to say, I've stopped taking my prenatals (oops!). Before our vacation, I got it down to two pills a day. (Considering I didn't have enough to last me the entire trip if I took any more and I refused to buy more.) Plus, I was starting to feel better and know that somewhere between 14 and 16 weeks, the nausea subsides (aka, the start (14) and end (16 weeks) of our trip.)
The first couple days of our trip I forgot to take a pill. I felt fine. Just a bit nauseaus late at night (but maybe perhaps it had more to do with lack of food for hours than actual sickness). Within 3-4 days of the beginning of our two week trip, I had stopped taking Diclectin all together. A bit of nausea at times, but nothing that I couldn't handle. (haha..it was less nausea than I felt during those rough days of seven pills a day!)
But, what I did notice is my allergies started acting up. Oh wait! Could it be that Diceletin is one part anti-histamine??? Oh yes! Yes it is. So, needless to say, I've stopped one expensive pill for a slightly less expensive pill (oh allergy meds...how I loathe you and love you!)
But I'm not complaining. I think my allergies are bad because our vacation house is older and dustier than our place at home. I'll take a few sneezes over puking any day!
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Survival Mode
We have been in survival mode around these parts. Being sick for 6 weeks, thus far, has rendered me incapacitated for many days. This means that our household has let things go that aren't of utmost importance.
We ensure that our kids are fed and (mostly) clean. The household tasks have taken their turn on the back burner. We do dishes and laundry on a regular basis. Occasionally, we sweep or mow the lawn. But those deep cleaning tasks have fallen by the way side. We only mop if the floor is sticky. Vacuuming hasn't been done (not that we do it that often anyway, since we mostly have hardwood floors). Dusting....well. It's only been done when it bugs me and I'm feeling up for an "extra" activity.
But those extra things, cleaning the fridge, dusting baseboards, wiping cupboards, clearing clutter, getting rid of dust bunnies, cleaning under couches, organizing toys....those things haven't been done. Our house doesn't look awful. Its just not as clean as I like it. But we've been in survival mode, so I don't care. (except for the fact that I had planned to do a deep clean before the Barkman's showed up. Sorry guys. It didn't happen.)
Last week our survival mode, turned into an extreme sport. I was stricken with the 24 hour flu. What I thought was an extreme case of morning sickness, turned into something much, much worse. Dan had left for work already, so it was just me and the boys. I could barely move. In the morning I got them snack traps full of cheerios and plunked myself on the couch. The boys watched ten whole minutes of a movie, before running off to cause trouble. The lids on the snack traps came off and cheerios were everywhere. But I was too sick to care. Didn't even ask the boys to clean it up, since I was too tired and sick. When Dan got home, I apologized for the cheerios all over the living room floor. Dan comes up the stairs and says, "What cheerios?" I guess the boys had their afternoon snack...of cheerios. They have great foraging skills.
The next day, I felt much better. The following day, I didn't even feel nauseous all day. We spent the day stripping and staining the deck, doing a little bit of cleaning (just the basics) and celebrating Deklan's first birthday. It felt amazing to get out and DO something.
Survival mode is tough. Especially for a clean freak. But I've learnt to let things go. I've sort of taken the mantra of the airplane breathing mask instructions. Take care of yourself first, then help your children. That way, everyone lives. The boys are really good about taking care of me and one another. I have never been worried about their survival....not even when I had the flu. Joel got out crackers and fed Micah. They kept giving me water to keep me hydrated.
Somehow in the last six weeks, we have survived. And sometimes, we have thrived. We are making it. One day at a time. And soon, we will look back at this (agonizingly long and slow) time as a distant memory. Wewill have survived.
We ensure that our kids are fed and (mostly) clean. The household tasks have taken their turn on the back burner. We do dishes and laundry on a regular basis. Occasionally, we sweep or mow the lawn. But those deep cleaning tasks have fallen by the way side. We only mop if the floor is sticky. Vacuuming hasn't been done (not that we do it that often anyway, since we mostly have hardwood floors). Dusting....well. It's only been done when it bugs me and I'm feeling up for an "extra" activity.
But those extra things, cleaning the fridge, dusting baseboards, wiping cupboards, clearing clutter, getting rid of dust bunnies, cleaning under couches, organizing toys....those things haven't been done. Our house doesn't look awful. Its just not as clean as I like it. But we've been in survival mode, so I don't care. (except for the fact that I had planned to do a deep clean before the Barkman's showed up. Sorry guys. It didn't happen.)
Last week our survival mode, turned into an extreme sport. I was stricken with the 24 hour flu. What I thought was an extreme case of morning sickness, turned into something much, much worse. Dan had left for work already, so it was just me and the boys. I could barely move. In the morning I got them snack traps full of cheerios and plunked myself on the couch. The boys watched ten whole minutes of a movie, before running off to cause trouble. The lids on the snack traps came off and cheerios were everywhere. But I was too sick to care. Didn't even ask the boys to clean it up, since I was too tired and sick. When Dan got home, I apologized for the cheerios all over the living room floor. Dan comes up the stairs and says, "What cheerios?" I guess the boys had their afternoon snack...of cheerios. They have great foraging skills.
The next day, I felt much better. The following day, I didn't even feel nauseous all day. We spent the day stripping and staining the deck, doing a little bit of cleaning (just the basics) and celebrating Deklan's first birthday. It felt amazing to get out and DO something.
Survival mode is tough. Especially for a clean freak. But I've learnt to let things go. I've sort of taken the mantra of the airplane breathing mask instructions. Take care of yourself first, then help your children. That way, everyone lives. The boys are really good about taking care of me and one another. I have never been worried about their survival....not even when I had the flu. Joel got out crackers and fed Micah. They kept giving me water to keep me hydrated.
Somehow in the last six weeks, we have survived. And sometimes, we have thrived. We are making it. One day at a time. And soon, we will look back at this (agonizingly long and slow) time as a distant memory. We
Thursday, June 12, 2014
$10.99
7 Diclectin a day, keeps the nausea at bay.
Eleven bucks. Thats how much it costs A DAY to keep the nausea away. At $1.57 a pill, its a small price to pay to keep "living." Without the pills, I'd be lying on the couch moaning and groaning, or over the toilet spilling my guts. Even with the meds, its still touch and go at times. But not nearly as bad as when the nausea first hit. And with two kids, I can't afford to be down and out.
So, somewhere in our limited budget, we have pulled the first two hundred dollars to pay for the first "months" worth. (a months worth is 4 pills a day or 120 pills, so my 7 a day habit is a smidge more than a months worth at 210 pills). Luckily, we were gifted another 60 pills, so not quite MY months worth. But we definitely appreciated the gift!
Hopefully the nausea will lessen quickly and not last my usual 8-10 weeks. Otherwise, we might need to rob a bank to pay for my "drug" habit.
A (slightly) small price to pay for such a precious gift.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
RLS
Three nights of painful RLS (restless leg syndrome) symptoms. That's how I knew. Somewhere in my third night of suffering, when I was awake yet again dealing with the painful urge to move my legs, I turned to Dan and said, "I haven't suffered from restless leg syndrome this bad since I was pregnant with Micah."
*Lightbulb goes off*
Holy moley! I'm pregnant! Nah, that can't be true.
Now what did I take to make it better? Racking my brain, I figured out that Calcium/Magnesium was the ticket to relieving my restless legs. So the next morning, I took the kids and went to Shoppers for some meds. While I was there, I grabbed a pregnancy test. We did some running around and by the time I got home, I took the test. I didn't really think that I was pregnant. Normally, I would inform Dan of my decision to take "the test." But this time, I did it on a whim. That's how convinced I was that it would be negative.
So, I did my business and put the stick on the counter. When I glanced at it a few seconds later, I marvelled at how they had changed where the control line was. Hmmm...oh well. I waited a few more seconds for the grand reveal. Then I started that doing the look. The one where you wonder if that line is really a line or just a figment of your imagination. If I turn it this way, I see a shadowish type of line, that could possibly be a line. (Can you tell that I've always had lines that were barely visible for all my pregnancies?) But this one. Oh this one. You remember how I mentioned that control line? Yep. That wasn't the control line. They hadn't changed where it was. That control line was the "you're pregnant" line. The control line was there. Yelling at me.
Holy Moley! There are two lines. I'm pregnant!
I freaked. I couldn't believe it. So many emotions flooded my system. Excitement. Fear. Disbelief. Nervousness. Happiness. I really didn't know what to think.
So I shifted my attention on making a "big reveal" to Dan. I knew I needed to act normally. Focus on him. Ask him about his day. Tell him about your mechanic trip. Basic ordinary things that we do everyday. Then, when I could stand it no longer, I told Dan that I got him something. He was excited, wondering what I could have possibly picked up for him during my busy day. In a nice, empty box of chocolates that we keep around for gift giving, I had placed my pregnancy test. So I handed him the box. He spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to open it. Literally it was 2 seconds, but I was so excited that I "helped" him get it open.
His response: shock! Are you kidding me? What does this mean? Two lines? That's pregnant! Oh my goodness!
Once the shock wore off, happiness ensued. Then fear. Then more shock. We had a fun evening chatting about all our emotions and sharing the joy of this little life.
*Lightbulb goes off*
Holy moley! I'm pregnant! Nah, that can't be true.
Now what did I take to make it better? Racking my brain, I figured out that Calcium/Magnesium was the ticket to relieving my restless legs. So the next morning, I took the kids and went to Shoppers for some meds. While I was there, I grabbed a pregnancy test. We did some running around and by the time I got home, I took the test. I didn't really think that I was pregnant. Normally, I would inform Dan of my decision to take "the test." But this time, I did it on a whim. That's how convinced I was that it would be negative.
So, I did my business and put the stick on the counter. When I glanced at it a few seconds later, I marvelled at how they had changed where the control line was. Hmmm...oh well. I waited a few more seconds for the grand reveal. Then I started that doing the look. The one where you wonder if that line is really a line or just a figment of your imagination. If I turn it this way, I see a shadowish type of line, that could possibly be a line. (Can you tell that I've always had lines that were barely visible for all my pregnancies?) But this one. Oh this one. You remember how I mentioned that control line? Yep. That wasn't the control line. They hadn't changed where it was. That control line was the "you're pregnant" line. The control line was there. Yelling at me.
Holy Moley! There are two lines. I'm pregnant!
I freaked. I couldn't believe it. So many emotions flooded my system. Excitement. Fear. Disbelief. Nervousness. Happiness. I really didn't know what to think.
So I shifted my attention on making a "big reveal" to Dan. I knew I needed to act normally. Focus on him. Ask him about his day. Tell him about your mechanic trip. Basic ordinary things that we do everyday. Then, when I could stand it no longer, I told Dan that I got him something. He was excited, wondering what I could have possibly picked up for him during my busy day. In a nice, empty box of chocolates that we keep around for gift giving, I had placed my pregnancy test. So I handed him the box. He spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to open it. Literally it was 2 seconds, but I was so excited that I "helped" him get it open.
His response: shock! Are you kidding me? What does this mean? Two lines? That's pregnant! Oh my goodness!
Once the shock wore off, happiness ensued. Then fear. Then more shock. We had a fun evening chatting about all our emotions and sharing the joy of this little life.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Mother's Day
This Mother's Day was a particularily emotional one for me.
I was grateful for my two precious little boys. Happy to see their smiling faces deliver hand made cards (one a day early since the big one couldn't contain his excitement). I marvel at how they have grown up and am facinated by their knowledge. I felt cherished as Dan tried to explain to them what today was all about. It was a relaxing time with my boys, spent at church and at the beach.
But it was also a sad day. Today I remember Judah. I remember and mourn his loss. I should be 7, almost 8 months pregnant. My body should be uncomfortable, but instead it was my heart. I am sad about what should be, but try to focus on what is.
Today I remember that I am holding a little blessing. Unknown to many, but a few chosen friends and family. Today I cherish the little life that I am growing. Today I am six weeks pregnant with my fourth baby. Today, as I fend off nausea and fear, I cherish my little blessing. My emotions are wild. I am excited to be pregnant. I am fearful that just that one little twinge may be the end of this pregnancy. I fear that when I feel healthy, that I have lost another child. I rejoice and am disgusted when I feel nauseaus.
Today my emotions are all over the place. I am happy for the family I have. I mourn over the child I have lost. I am excited, scared and filled with hope over the life that is to come. Today is MOther's Day. A day to celebrate all sorts of Mothers. Mothers that are, and are yet to be. Mothers with their arms full and Mother's longing for a child. Mothers by a traditional sense and mothers by other means.
Today I longed for the Mother's Day of old. The days when I didn't realize the heartbreak of motherhood. The longing for a child. That there was a difference between a mother and a spiritual mother. I miss the simplity. That pretty much everyone older than me was a mother. Today, I wish that every woman (and man) would realize their importance. That whether we have children of our own or not, we are all responsible for raising these children. We are all intrusted to be ambassators of these children. Raising my two boys has made me realize that I need all the help I can get. I need a different perspective on life from other people. I cannot do this on my own. I need community. These boys need community.
So today, to everyone out there: Thank you. Thank you for being present in our lives. For encouraging us, challenging us, caring for us, celebrating with us and mourning with us. Our lives have been touched by your generosity and your spirits.
Happy Mother's Day!
Love Amanda, Dan, Joel, Micah, Judah and Baby #4
I was grateful for my two precious little boys. Happy to see their smiling faces deliver hand made cards (one a day early since the big one couldn't contain his excitement). I marvel at how they have grown up and am facinated by their knowledge. I felt cherished as Dan tried to explain to them what today was all about. It was a relaxing time with my boys, spent at church and at the beach.
But it was also a sad day. Today I remember Judah. I remember and mourn his loss. I should be 7, almost 8 months pregnant. My body should be uncomfortable, but instead it was my heart. I am sad about what should be, but try to focus on what is.
Today I remember that I am holding a little blessing. Unknown to many, but a few chosen friends and family. Today I cherish the little life that I am growing. Today I am six weeks pregnant with my fourth baby. Today, as I fend off nausea and fear, I cherish my little blessing. My emotions are wild. I am excited to be pregnant. I am fearful that just that one little twinge may be the end of this pregnancy. I fear that when I feel healthy, that I have lost another child. I rejoice and am disgusted when I feel nauseaus.
Today my emotions are all over the place. I am happy for the family I have. I mourn over the child I have lost. I am excited, scared and filled with hope over the life that is to come. Today is MOther's Day. A day to celebrate all sorts of Mothers. Mothers that are, and are yet to be. Mothers with their arms full and Mother's longing for a child. Mothers by a traditional sense and mothers by other means.
Today I longed for the Mother's Day of old. The days when I didn't realize the heartbreak of motherhood. The longing for a child. That there was a difference between a mother and a spiritual mother. I miss the simplity. That pretty much everyone older than me was a mother. Today, I wish that every woman (and man) would realize their importance. That whether we have children of our own or not, we are all responsible for raising these children. We are all intrusted to be ambassators of these children. Raising my two boys has made me realize that I need all the help I can get. I need a different perspective on life from other people. I cannot do this on my own. I need community. These boys need community.
So today, to everyone out there: Thank you. Thank you for being present in our lives. For encouraging us, challenging us, caring for us, celebrating with us and mourning with us. Our lives have been touched by your generosity and your spirits.
Happy Mother's Day!
Love Amanda, Dan, Joel, Micah, Judah and Baby #4
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