Christmas Tree

One activity we had this year was to cut down our own tree at a tree farm.
Normally, we would go the grocery store, cut down the tree and WALK the tree home.
This year, it became too much for us. Plus, it was during that really COLD snap that we had "scheduled" to get our tree. So, we went to the tree farm instead.

Dan conquers the tree!

Joel putting the star on the tree.
"So the wise men can find the baby JEEESUS!!!!"

My newest favorite picture.

I was trying to get a nice picture of the boys in front of the tree. They kept running all over. Insert basket. It kept them contained (for a few moments) and I got those precious smiles captured.

Family photo

Christmas Decorations

Joel's new ornament this year. The letter J. He's all into letters and found it in the store. That's a J for Joel mommy!

Salt dough ornament. One of the boys footprints. (This was MY activity)

 

A little bit of my heritage on the tree.

Christmas morning.

Stockings

Nativity set.
Dan and I bought this on our honeymoon. I love it. Handcrafted and still smells like cedar.

The boys set. The boys enjoyed playing with it and reenacting the Christmas story. It was always thrown around the house. We would find random pieces everywhere. In fact, about three days after we "put away Christmas" we found that long lost wise man. Apparently, he was following the wrong star.

Christmas (and birthday) card display

Oh the nutcracker invasion. Dan has a fairly large collection. Dan loves nutcrackers. And I love Dan. Therefore, I love nutcrackers.
Below the nutcrackers, is our activity advent calendar. We would flip the number over and find out what our activity would be for the day.

More nutcrackers

The stars in the window and the advent trees full of treats below.

Advent Activities

Joel was at the perfect age this year to start doing activities for Advent. I printed off a simple numbered advent off the Internet. Most were simple activities, like reading a Christmas story or colouring a Christmas picture. Some were a little more labour intensive, like decorating cookies. Joel and Micah both enjoyed the activities and looked forward to seeing what they were going to do that day.

Joel LOVED decorating cookies. And eating them. Mostly eating them.

Micah liked the eating part. He was sad that I said he couldn't eat anymore cookies.

One day we made salt dough ornaments and painted them. Joel really got into it. They made for great presents for the grandparents. Plus, they are a cool addition to our tree.

Micah only painted two ornaments. And his head. Two hands. The newspaper. The chair. And anything else in his two foot radius.

Father Christmas visited for Sinterklaas on December 5th, the Dutch version of Christmas. You set out your shoe the night before and the next morning it is filled with treats. The kids thought it was great since they got to have sprinkle toast for breakfast (another Dutch tradition).
*Side note: It was here that I realized how ridiculous the concept of Santa is. I tried to explain the whole chimney, sleigh, present thing. It was stupid. We don't necessarily want the boys to believe in Santa, but we want them to be informed about what others believe. Joel understands a lot. He did NOT understand Santa. The only thing he can do is point out who Santa is, thanks to the lovely displays down the street. But he couldn't tell you anything about that story if he tried.
Sadly, it was also this evening that I realized how difficult the story of Jesus' birth is to grasp as well. It is also ridiculous. But somehow Joel got attached to Jesus' story. Slowly, as we explained it over and over again, it became less ridiculous and more believable. He can retell the story if he needs to and re-enacts it with his nativity figurines.

A nice addition to our tree is the hand painted ornaments the boys made this year.

A fun "Christmas" experiment. Okay. It has nothing to do with Christmas. The only thing that would make it remotely Christmas, was the green food colouring, which I couldn't find and replaced with blue. The boys had fun scooping out the foam, made from peroxide and yeast (and a few other things).

The traditional paper chain. This thing was HUGE. But only about one foot made it on our tree. I rescued it from amidst the broken pieces the boys had fun destroying as they chased one another around the house. My type A personality had to repeat constantly that this is about the boys having fun, not about having a perfect craft. For some reason this particular morning, it took all of my effort to allow them to play. I'm still glad that I rescued that one foot section. It was my little piece of compromise with the boys. I got my "craft," and they got to have fun.

Special candy cane shaped treats. Apples and craisins!

Hot cocoa after a walk in the snow.

Christmas trees and toilet tube angels, made with a friend.

Having dinner by candlelight (and Christmas lights).

Lessons from Advent:
1. Half an hour is PLENTY of time to do some sort of activity. It doesn't take long. The kids are really only interested for a few minutes, so within the half hour there is time for set up, the activity and clean up. I have found myself not wasting those thirty minutes or so we have before we need to leave for an appointment. I did an activity instead. A much better use of my time than previous to advent. I hope to keep up with some preschool type activities in the future.

2. Confession. I fell off the advent activity bandwagon around Joel's birthday (the 14th). It wasn't something that I felt like I had time for during the busyness of the season. I promised myself at the beginning of the month to show myself Grace. This was about having fun with the boys, not getting upset about something not happening. I vowed that I would only do an activity if I could have fun as well. I didn't want to let them paint only to yell at them for getting it everywhere. If I wasn't going to be nice, I wasn't going to do the activity (it was about creating good memories, not memories where their mom yelled at them). I wanted my priorities to be straight. Needless to say, around the 14th, it became too much to keep up with. But, in those remaining days until Christmas, we still did an activity a day. They weren't the crafts or activities I had planned, but we still did an activity. One day, we went shopping instead. One day, they had a hot cocoa, rather than doing an elaborate craft. A candlelit dinner, rather than a particular outing. A drive to see the lights as opposed to that days planned activity. The boys had fun and so did we.

3. We were given an advent set from a lady at Church (thanks Joan). I filled that with candy (one day at a time. Those boys are smart and would open every box in one sitting). By about half way through the month, I was so tired of the boys eating candy, I tried to shove a baby orange in one of the boxes. It was too big, and I didn't want to peel that nasty thing, so we "neglected" the boxes for a few days. The boys didn't seem to mind and I got a little piece of mind.

All in all, it was a wonderful experience. I look forward to doing it again next year and having Micah participate a little bit more (he was a bit to little this year).

Van to Foot Ratio=BAD!

These pictures don't even do Joel's foot justice. Plus, its been 3 days since it happened. Healing has taken place.

So how did this happen? Enter the most guilt ridden mom who caused said accident. We had been out all day and got home at dinner time with two very exhausted and un-napped children. Meltdowns were ensuing. Joel had kicked his shoes off in the van and since it was raining, I decided to carry him in.

I had my arms full of the days events, picked up Joel and yanked the door shut. Only, the door didn't shut. It popped back open. Then I heard that sound. The sound that sends chills up your spine. That blood curdling scream. You know the one that screeches pain. I had accidentally slammed the door on Joel's foot.

We spend the next hour or so consoling an overtired, extremely hungry and hurt little boy. It was difficult to determine the extent of his injuries due to the hunger and tiredness. But once we got a few raisins (the only thing he would eat) into him, the tears eventually subsided. We iced it on and off in four minute increments (the longest our little guy would allow the ice to remain on his foot. Thank goodness for timers). We eventually determined that it was not broken, just extremely swollen and bruised. We had been worried for a little while since the tears were so huge and he wouldn't even allow the bag of peas to rest on it since it hurt too much (or maybe he was hungry OR tired). Who knows? After an hour or so, he finally was able to wiggle his toes and put weight on it. He slept well that night and woke up like nothing had happened.

The guilt? That's staying. Especially when he asks why I slammed the door on his foot. It was an accident!!!! Why doesn't he know the meaning of that word?

 

Joel's Birthday

Last week, we celebrated Joel's 3rd birthday. We decided to host a breakfast party, since his birthday is so close to Christmas and we figured that an afternoon/evening party would be difficult as many people have parties to go to or shopping to do.

Joel invited all his little friends (that lived near by).

We enjoyed a pancake breakfast, yogurt and fruit, wieners and beans, complete with sausage AND bacon (as per his request).

Of course, a birthday isn't complete without cake. Joel requested a digger cake, and that's what he got!

He was quite impressed with it and still talks about it.

He loves playing with the diggers.

Anaya "helping" Joel eat his cake!
All in all, it was a wonderful morning celebrating Joel's birthday.

18 months

Joel: 18 months

Micah: 18 months

  18 months. We have finally reached the age in which Joel was when Micah was born (give or take a few days). It shocks me that Micah is the same age that Joel was when we had baby Micah. Micah seems so much younger than Joel was at this age. But that probably has something to do with forgetting what life was like for those months preceding Micah's birth.  I can't believe that we planned on having a baby so soon after Joel. But now I can understand why people have babies close together. Since Micah (mostly) sleeps through the night, I think it would be easier to have a little newborn baby now. I think that because Joel was (and still is) such a difficult sleeper, we had a harder time trying to balance the needs of a toddler and infant.

If Micah was born first, we wouldn't have struggled so much in those early days, when we were trying so hard to get two children to sleep. Micah would have slept through the night and we would only have to contend with a newborn baby.

But such is life. We were blessed with a difficult sleeper first. Followed by a really good sleeper (as long as he's not teething or in pain). We are extremely blessed that Micah (mostly) sleeps through the night. He goes down super easy and is fairly easy to calm if he does wake up.

Joel was the exact opposite at this age. He was up at least 3 times a night and was difficult to put to bed. It would often take an hour or more to calm him enough to get him to lie down and another half an hour of  'putting him back to bed' before he finally passed out. Then he would wake up, sometimes screaming, and we would spend hours putting him back to bed. Then we would be so awake from the adrenalin of Joel's screams that we would struggle to fall asleep. Sadly, quite often we would just fall asleep, only to have Micah wake up for his next feeding.

I think I could write a book about our kids sleep habits (or lack thereof). Let me tell you, a GOOD sleeper, one that sleeps through the night fairly early on and keeps doing that, would be a monstrous blessing to our family. Both kids slept okay until six months old. Then all hell would break loose and we would spend the next year or more instilling good sleep habits (hahaha...more like surviving massive sleep deprivation)  until finally they would 'suddenly' sleep better. 

Okay, Joel didn't sleep well until he turned 2. Micah was born when Joel was 18 months old. So, there was six month of overlapping bad sleeping. But Micah wasn't too bad, just newborn like, those first six months. He didn't sleep well until about a month ago. So, all in all, we have endured 3 years of sleep deprivation. That is a long time folks. That's waking up 2-3 times a night, minimum. For THREE YEARS! We are finally (sorta) sleeping better. Waking up only once a night feels like a dream. I can't imagine what sleeping through every night for a week would feel like. Perhaps, soon, I will know. Now, if only we could get Joel to stop waking up in the middle of the night because his blanket came off, or his boat is facing the wrong way, or whatever that nights excuse is.

Now that we mostly sleep through the night, and are not-so sleep deprived, we have developed a new problem.  When the boys just so happen to wake up in the middle of the night, and we quickly put them back to bed, we find ourselves struggling to fall back asleep. When we weren't sleeping, we were so tired that we would lie back down and immediately be asleep. But now, we are semi well-rested and once we are woken up, we are finding it harder and harder to fall asleep. Thus, making us more and more tired. Oh the life of a parent!
 

3 Years Old

Dear Joel
Today,at the moment I post this (8:02pm) you turn three years old. From the moment you were conceived, you have sent us on an emotional roller coaster ride. Once you started to move, you decided that stopping is NOT an option. Even in the womb, you kept me on my toes. Twice, I almost passed out from your movements. The nurses labeled it "active baby syndrome" and boy were they right! When the time came for you to be born, you came flying out. This momma was not prepared for that!  And you haven't stopped moving since. I remember a time when Darnell  and Greg took you and Cody to the park. He could never quite understand what I was talking about when I said that you were fast. He came back exhausted from chasing you and was glad he didn't lose you. If he blinked, you were gone. More times than I care to count that has happened to me. You just bolt. The worst part for me is that you think its a game to keep quiet when I call your name. I remember searching our old house, looking for you. I looked everywhere and I couldn't find you. I was calling your name and getting frantic and still you kept hiding. I later found you in the closet, still and quiet, playing your little "game" with me. (By the way, its NOT funny)

Joel, from the moment you were born, I knew I was in trouble. You constantly keep me on my toes. You love to do things in your own time (usually fast), but will quite often only do things if you know you CAN do them. You rolled over for two weeks before anyone actually witnessed it. You refused to practise crawling, until one day you were gone. You liked walking but were too nervous to take steps on your own until you knew you could it alone. Then, within just twenty short minutes, you went from taking your first steps to walking across the room. You were nine and half months old! Much too little for that sorta thing. But you were a mover. You weren't much of a talker, sometimes trying to imitate our voices or make sounds, but never in front of anyone else. But once you started talking, boy were we in trouble. You haven't stopped since! (Yet, you still refuse to "perform" for anyone!) I think you just went from making sounds to talking in full sentences. The words that you pick up on astound me. I often wonder where you heard such a word. The other day, you were playing with a friends calculator type toy. When you asked what it was, I said calculator. You said, "No mommy. Its a typewriter." Say what? Typewriter? Where you learnt that word, I still don't know. Perhaps its from a book you read.

You LOVE reading. We've had to hide books on you because we are so sick of reading the same story over and over again. But once we pull them out, you can recite the book word for word. I think you've memorized Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, and that's how you know the alphabet. (It ain't from us singing, that's for sure!)

You still rarely play with toys, but would prefer to play with me. Or rather, cook and clean alongside me. You still are obsessed with cooking and are almost ready to take over dinner preparation. You quite often come up with fun games for you and Micah to play, often involving running in circles around the house. You are so loving to Micah. You always want to wake him up when he is sleeping. You care for him and make sure he has forks at mealtimes. But you are often rough with him also. I have seen you boys wrestle a few times and although it is cute, someone, usually Micah, ends up hurt. You love to share with Micah, but you also enjoy stealing toys from him. Really, its a love/hate relationship. Just like most brothers have! You are either the kindest brother or you are smacking him over the head and stealing his toy. We are working on sharing and treating Micah kindly.

You love Jacob Moon. You can recognize his voice, even from his new songs. I think seeing him in concert last June made you fall in love with music even more. You have been obsessed with the guitar ever since. The first time I felt you move, was at the Highland games when the bagpipes were playing. Daddy says you were dancing, but I'm convinced you were kicking and screaming, "make it stop!"

Joel you have been blessed with a very sensitive spirit. You have shown so much empathy in your little life. I have seen and been a recipient of your caring spirit. You give stuffed animals to your brother when he is sad or hurt. You have this little routine of 'pound it, hug, kiss, tickle' that you do, but only when I am really sad. You have come up with ideas of how to bless others, like sending snacks to Asher for the plane ride after his grandpa passed away. Or giving cookies to friends because they are going through a tough time. When you heard that Katrina gave birth to Deklan, you ran to the kitchen to make her dinner because you care about her. But with this sensitive spirit comes some challenges. You have large emotions son. They are a blessing when you are happy because the whole world knows it. But when are struggling with something, it can overwhelm you. Part of that is because you are three. The other part is that you are very sensitive to the world around you. Fear can sometimes overtake you. But we are practicing putting on our courage belt and facing the scary world head on. Anger and frustration  sometimes get the best of you. But we are working on asking for help with those big emotions. We are learning that trying (and failing) is okay. We are learning to not run away from those things that frustrate you, but to ask for help to face them.

Joel, you have challenged me in ways I could never express. Those days of sleeplessness and pleading to God to make you sleep have (mostly) ended. But now, I am asking God to help me, help you with your emotions. I have seen them overtake you and it saddens me. But as you mother, I am privileged to be able to wrap you in my arms and snuggle you until they cease.

My favorite moments with you are those right before you go to bed when I get to snuggle you. Sometimes you try to goof off and other times you snuggle right in and talk about your day. I love hearing the things that made an impression on you. You are always thankful for the kind people God has brought into your life. You remember with gratitude those who have helped you, given to you or played with you. I am glad that gratitude and thankfulness are two big emotions I see regularly. You are thankful for so many cute and funny things, like nightlights and diggers. You pray for specific people every night, thanking God for them. I am thankful for them too. They have blessed you and poured into your life in ways that I am not always capable of or in ways that are different to my own. I am grateful for them too.

Joel, on this, your third birthday, I am grateful for you. You challenge me and bless me everyday. I am proud to be your mother and I look forward to seeing who you become in the years to come.

One Month Later: Judah's Story

One month. That's all its been. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime and other times it feels like it was yesterday.

Physically things are back to normal. My energy is back. My hormones have leveled. The bleeding has stopped, lasting only a week. There was one part of me that kept wishing the bleeding would stop and the other part of me that exclaimed, "Only a week?! That's all I get?" Silly, I know. But most of my emotions have been like that. Opposite of one another, felt at almost the same time.

When the kids are acting crazy, I find myself relieved to not be expecting another child. "There is no way I could handle that." Then two seconds later, I find myself wishing that Judah was here amidst all of it. "We would have made do."

I find myself enjoying my children, loving the two of them and their crazy antics. Then saddened that there are only two that I am enjoying.

I see newborn babies and am relieved that I am not amidst the sleepless nights (oh wait, I still am). But then, I sigh, and wish I was the one snuggling that adorable infant.

I find myself relieved to be able to participate in advent activities without being sick but saddened that we are missing a member of our family.

Some days I can talk nonchalant about the fact that I've had a miscarriage. Then other days, I talk, but my soul is screaming, "This isn't fair!"

I find my heart sighing, "Oh Judah" on a regular basis. In those moments when my heart is sad that Judah is not with us, I sigh, "Oh Judah." In those moments when I wish he was here with Joel and Micah filling my house with laughter and trouble, I sigh, "Oh Judah." In those moments of relief, when I feel overwhelmed by the life I have, I sigh, "Oh Judah."

Real tears are rare. I think this sigh is my heart crying. Crying out for injustice. Crying out prayers. Crying out thankfulness.

I'm pretty much a big bi-polar mess. And I'm okay with that. I'm mourning. My heart longs for my child that is no longer here.

People have asked us if we want to start trying for our next child right away, instead of waiting like we had planned.  Yes, we want another child. But right now, we need to wait. Medically, we have to wait at least another month before trying for another child. But more than that, we need our hearts to heal. We need time to mourn. Time to work through our fears. If God planned another child sooner than we expect, we will welcome it with open arms, just like we welcomed Judah. But is another child on our radar right now? No.  Do I long for newborn snuggles? Yes. But for now, I will snuggle our friends and family's little ones. I will hold my two little boys tight, loving them the only way I know how. Its been one month. One crazy month.

So when Joel asks me, "Mommy are you sad?" I can say yes. Yes, I am sad. And when he says, "Is that because the baby is with Jesus?" I will say yes. When Joel tells me that the baby is no longer in his tummy, I sigh silently, my heart crying, "Oh Judah." Then I wrap Joel up in my arms, snuggle him close and thank God for my kids. All three of them.

Put on your courage belt

Every Sunday, our day begins the same. Okay, not really. The same sort of things go on, in various orders and speeds. The last few weeks though, before we leave for church, Joel grabs his cardboard guitar, starts singing and insists that he is going to the front of the church to sing. He loves singing and playing guitar. But every week, he gets to church and the fear takes over. You can see it in his face, he is just terrified to be there. So he doesn't go. This week when I asked him about it, he said, "I scared mommy."

Its something that resonates with both Dan and I. We both grew up in a church that didn't necessarily encourage children to "be" children. Kids were expected to sit in their seat, or go to nursery and generally behave or they would be removed from the sanctuary. While this is a part of disciplining your child and a part of learning how to act in church, there always seemed like there was no room for exploration. But something that Dan and I want to instill in our children is the opportunity to be themselves. They don't always have to follow the crowd. They can be themselves and be a part of the church. One of the many reasons I love this church is that kids are encouraged to participate and to be themselves.

I heard a story of a child who at the age of three started to shadow his mother on stage while she sang and played guitar on worship team. He took his toy guitar and played next to her on Sundays. He is now a confident young adult who leads worship and plays in a band.

Its not that I expect Joel to be musical. I just want him to be confident in who he is and the abilities he has. So this Sunday, during worship, I told Joel to put on his courage belt. I turned around to look at Micah and by the time I turned back, Joel was gone. I asked Dan where he was. Joel was at the front of the church, standing beside Irmgard who was playing piano. He stood there the entire time. He watched Irmgard play. I could see the wheels turning as he stared at the keys, wondering how they made noise. He inched close to the keys, wanting to touch, but knowing that it was inappropriate.  He sat when she told him to sit and stood during the singing. He wasn't too distracting just curious. Irmgard was amazing with him (thanks again!) and he really seem engaged in the music. He was so interested in Irmgard and the piano that he refused to go to children's feature. I tried to engage him in the story, but he ran back to the piano. This kid knows what he wants!

Later that night, when I asked him about his day, he reenacted the entire situation. He told me that he "ran down the hill (the church has a slight slope to it) and ran to the big black thing. The big black thing (ahem...piano) made lots of noise. Irmgard told me sit down. I sit. I watch them play guitar. I sing songs. Big black thing make LOTS of noise."

He keeps talking about it (which means he had a lot of fun). I hope that with a little encouragement, Joel can conquer his fears. He has always been his own person (as well as a little shy and timid), answering questions in a way I don't expect (eg. Holding 3 items: how many do I have? Instead of answering three, he'll say lots). Or doing things that I haven't seen many kids his own age doing (like dressing up as an anemometer). I hope to foster his creativity and imagination. I hope to encourage him to be the person that God has created him to be (even if its embarrassing, cringe-worthy, or goes against the way I was raised). He needs to be himself. He isn't me or Dan. He is Joel. And we love him.

Kuya Boyet

L-R: Joel, Kathleen, Amanda, Boyet, Dan, Marijke, Stan
 

 What a blessing it was to meet Kuya Boyet! Over a year and a half ago, we sent out our two friends (with their two young kids) to the Philippines, to start building Peace Church. We always hoped and dreamed of being able to meet some of their members, but never thought it was possible unless we went to the Philippines. Little did we know, that eighteen months after they left, we would meet Kuya Boyet. We had the privilege of hosting him for dinner and dessert at our home on Saturday evening. On Sunday morning, he taught Sunday School, gave a greeting of Peace, and shared a potluck lunch with the church.

What a blessing this weekend was. Boyet is humorous, joking that the only food that he doesn't like is small food. (You know, small amounts of food). That is my kind of house guest!
He told us about his two wives. He waits for the stunned silence before explaining that his first wife is asleep, and that he jokes with his second wife to 'keep it down' since his first wife is sleeping.

Aside from the humour, his passion for his work and his people was evident. When asked about the recent typhoon that hit the Philippines, he said a few words and then was silent. As a small group of new friends gathered around the table at our house on Saturday evening, we could tell that his heart was burdened. Holding back emotions and perhaps even a few tears, he explained that he was still processing the situation.

At the end of the evening, we gathered together to pray for one another. Kuya Boyet had us hold hands of the person, not directly next to us, but the person next to that (so every second person was holding hands). He had us hold hands behind our backs. He explained that this was a way to support one another. If a person was not strong enough to hold on, his friends to the right and left, who's hands were held behind him, would hold him up and keep him in the group. It was a beautiful example of community support.

Sunday School was another highlight for me. Kuya Boyet asked a simple question, "How would you like someone to support you when you are in need?"  The answers ranged from giving hugs, to listening, supporting me, holding my hand etc. It made me think that when we are struggling, we really need community to support us. To help us process our grief. To be with us. I can only imagine that the Filipinos who suffered through the typhoon need the same thing. Yes, food and water are also needed. But more than that, they need to process their grief, to feel supported, and to have someone hold their hand and cry with them. Sadly, this is easier done in person. Which is a sad realization that I've had when I ask, "What can I do to help?"

It was a pleasure to meet Kuya Boyet. We hope and pray that he felt supported by the community we have here. We sent Darnell and Christina only eighteen months ago to the Philippines to build Peace Church and we hope and pray that we will continue to support one another in this journey.